Dirt off your (one-)shoulder (dress)

Net-a-porter.com put together a page featuring “the best” one-shoulder dresses.

Really?

There aren’t any horrid dresses, but some of them are just not cute.  So I weeded those out for you.

If you’re going to call it “Perfect Asymmetry,” it better be perfect.

Here are the dresses deserving of the title:

Preen- Matt Lightening mini dress

$1,020 @ NET-A-PORTER.COM

Hervé Léger- Asymmetric-neck bandage dress $1,250 @ NET-A-PORTER.COM

 

Helmut Lang- Mesh-detailed cutout jersey dress

$415 @ NET-A-PORTER.COM

Emanuel Ungaro- Asymmetric jacquard dress$3,700 @ NET-A-PORTER.COM

 

Preen Line- Band dress

$440 @ NET-A-PORTER.COM

Ashish- Sequined one-shoulder dress*

$895 @ NET-A-PORTER.COM

*I know I’m stating the obvious, but you can only wear this dress if you are a) pretty and b) thin…seriously.

 

Preen- Band dress

$1,180 @ NET-A-PORTER.COM

 

Michael Kors- Asymmetric felt-wool dress

$1,895 @ NET-A-PORTER.COM

 

Hervé Léger- Vivien cutout bandage dress

$880 @ NET-A-PORTER.COM

If for some reason, you would like to see the not cute dresses I excluded from this post, click here for NET-A-PORTER.COM’s “Perfect Asymmetry” page.

My 2009 Christmas List

Angel Jackson- Chandra Feather Handbag

$495 @ Intermix

Veda- Mercury Leather Stud Skirt

$395 @ Intermix

Angel Jackson- Studded Sequin Bag

$444.77 @ Asos

¡Aye Mamacita!

Make it hot even though it’s getting cold out…

OPI Colección de España Fall/Winter 2009:

Here Today…Aragon Tomorrow

I just got this on my toes today, and I’m obsessed

InStyle’s Look of the Day: October 27, 2009

Their pick:

Charlize Theron

I say: YES!  Love every second of it!

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The rest:

Diane Kruger

I say: That’s a real shame.

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Julianne Moore

I say: I adore her outfit, but I do not think she has the waist for it.  Also, in serious need of a spray tan.  Cardio would be good, too, to get circulation going and even out skin tone on those legs.

______________________________________________

Zooey Deschanel

I say: The bangle and shoes make the outfit look tacky.  The lip color is just out there.  Aside from that, Zooey is always doing the super girly romantic look.  She is very pretty, and I think she should mix it up.  One time go for fire engine lips and a short, red fitted tube dress with a sweetheart neckline (depending on her figure of course…who knows what that dress could be concealing).

______________________________________________

Hilary Swank

I say: That hair…really?  She looks like an 80s cheerleader going to prom.  I think I would like this dress on someone with black or blonde hair and if the embellishment was more of a yellow gold.

InStyle’s Look of the Day: October 24, 2009

Their pick:

Rachel Bilson

I say: I don’t care if mixing patterns is trendy right now.  It looks ridiculous.  And those boots are hideous.  Bad Rachel.    I’m disappointed (that is a first).

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The rest:

Jessica Biel

I say: I am SO reluctant to do this because a) she annoys me and b) this outfit is boring, but this should have been InStyle’s pick.  Boring, but put together and polished.  But those glasses need to go, and the hair is too plain.  The outfit is not at all busy, so sh!t, play up the hair!  Side part with Olivia Palermo curls.

______________________________________________

Beyonce

I say: Obviously she has a Botkier bag, but her entire outfit looks like she just raided Deb or Wet Seal.  Good move with the heels because it lengthens her legs, but even so, I don’t think her legs are fit for those shorts.  And that lipstick- Did she just give a carrot a you know what ?

______________________________________________

Rihanna

I say: Love the glasses, lipstick, jacket, jeans, & bag.  I am cringing that crop tops/baring your midriff are back.  Trashy.  That shirt is also faded or something is up, so all of the different shades of black look sloppy.  Not feeling the brown boots with the black outfit.  Not even going to talk about the hair…pretty unfortunate!

______________________________________________

Sienna Miller

I say: Totally unflattering coat.  I know those are Vivienne Westwood boots, but I’m trying to figure out if they are the heeled or flat.  The flat boots are pretty foul.  At least her bag is hot and her hair is pretty…

InStyle’s Look of the Day: October 21, 2009

Their pick:

Scarlett Johansson

I say: Messy hair, bad hair color, clown makeup, dress is eh, shoes don’t match

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The rest:

Eva Longoria Parker

I say: Very cute, but divide in color should be lower, so that it hits the smallest part of her waist, duh

______________________________________________

Blake Lively

I say: This should have been InStyle’s pick. Love it…just go tanning or do a mystic sesh

______________________________________________

Lauren Conrad

I say: Love it…button the jacket for a slimming effect…side part with her signature loose curls would look better

______________________________________________

Hilary Swank

I say: How do I say this…I love the dress, but not that color and not your face

What’s NOT in My Makeup Bag

The following is a waste of life:

Maybelline Full ‘N Soft: Crispy, clumpy, and flakes off

Tarte Tipsy: Pretty alone, but I always wear bronzer, so it looks dirty and like a smear on my face

Burt’s Bees Lip Balm: Addictive…because it dries out your lips

Physicians Formula Bronzer: Orange

Cargo Bronzer: See above.

Revlon Illuminance Creme Shadows : Just…ew…spend 6 more dollars and buy one quality MAC shadow

MAC Kohl Eye Liner: Wears off and ends up below lower lash line so you look like you heart heroin

Revlon Eye Liner: See above.

L’Oreal Clean Definition Telescopic Mascara: Pointless.

Maybelline Great Lash: Lengthens…that’s it…and ends up clumping with more than one coat so why botherrrr

P.S. I’m not including links to these products because you shouldn’t be buying them anyway.  So it’s like I’m doing you a favor. You’re welcome.

I’m starting to feel the holiday spirit…Neiman Marcus’ Christmas Book is up!

BUT

I could have come up with a way better compilation.

Neiman’s, I’m disappointed.

My favorites from The Christmas Book (I still think it’s whack):

• Gucci Anthracite/Black Scarf
• Theory Leggings
• LaRok Tee & Leggings
• Vince Sweater & Leggings
• Elizabeth & James Fur-Lined Blazer
• Valentino Boots & Hobo
• Prada Hobo
• Gucci Satchel & Ankle Boots
• Valentino Tote
• Prada Boots
• Portolano Studded Leather Gloves & Buckle Leather Gloves
• Jose & Maria Barrera Necklace & Cuff
• 60th Anniversary Book (Dior)

so fierce

Giuseppe Zanotti ’s Swarovski-Embellished Sandals

Giuseppe Zanotti Swarovski-Embellished Sandals

$1,150 at NET-A-PORTER.COM

http://www.net-a-porter.com/product/48641

MET Costume Institute Gala May 4, 2009

FAB

Mary-Kate Olsen

Jessica Biel (Not J Tim and those glasses)

PALE

Kate Bosworth

PALE & FUPA

Emma Roberts

FUG

Kate Moss